To my former church community

I’m sorry that you feel rejected, you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.

I grew among you, wrapped in love, cradled in grace.

You laughed with me in my joys, and held my hand through my pain.

When my unborn baby died, you brought roses and wept. Then later

you dandled my fat, wriggling babies,

teased my children, deluged me with gifts.

We lived out community. You canned pears with me–pear peelings dropped

into our bowls almost as fast as your beautiful words. 

We sipped coffee together, swapped ideas, shared food, and so much more.

So much, much more.

We prayed for each other, we exchanged notes, we talked about God.

God was woven into everything; in all that we did together, God was always there.

We intimately knew that even if I didn’t always understand you,

and you didn’t always understand me,

together we were part of Christ’s body.

I left,

but I love you, more than I ever did before.

You ask me, “Why then?…”

I could not stay in that sacred shrine, blithely eating, playing, sleeping, 

while my ears caught the sound of a wounded world waiting on my doorstep, weeping

for the news of redemption. You think I left because I have no heart; I coldly bereave.

Can’t you see…? It was because of my heart that I had to leave.

 

“Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.”

-James Kilbane

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11 thoughts on “To my former church community

  1. Victoria

    I want to cry too. God understands the loneliness and the pain of misunderstanding. But I bless you in following the call of the Gospel to go out and be Christ to this broken wounded world. It’s not easy by any means. But remember what Uncle Mark said when people asked him why he was leaving the Amish community in Belleville to go be a missionary in Papua New Guinea? He said he didn’t expect to take any dairy cows to heaven with him. And he led an entire tribe to the Lord. Yes the road is hard but you will be rewarded more than you could ever imagine, by seeing the love of God transforming people there as it already has. I love you sis! You are brave and beautiful!

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  2. Gloria

    I love this Rosina! You said it so well! Something I’ve never had words for! When we left the church where I grew up it was so painful. It still is painful at times. It’s so sad to leave my friends behind. I watch them still being together and doing everything together and I’m not with them in the same way. It’s very sad to me.
    But some of them don’t understand. One friend said to me, “well, you left. you chose. why would you be sad?”
    We wanted something more spiritually. We wanted something we couldn’t explain. We weren’t understood really- by some.
    But it’s ok. It’s just that we walk with sadness and with joy. Sadness of the loss and joy of being where God wants us!
    God bless you on your journey! And it’s ok if people don’t understand. God does! 🙂
    Love you!

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  3. MLL

    I keep thinking of you and this post a lot today . There are so many unanswered questions and times we sit on Abba’s lap just to be held securely. On Sunday one of our pastors challenged us to pray the Lord’s Prayer at times when differences arise and even ask to pray it together from now until Easter. In some of my questions on relationships this week, I find myself just breathing that prayer up to heaven. Shalom.

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    1. I love the idea of praying the Lord’s Prayer together when difficulties arise. I’ve prayed the Lord’s Prayer more in the last year than ever before. It is such a beautiful, all-encompassing prayer.

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