I’m sorry that you feel rejected, you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.
I grew among you, wrapped in love, cradled in grace.
You laughed with me in my joys, and held my hand through my pain.
When my unborn baby died, you brought roses and wept. Then later
you dandled my fat, wriggling babies,
teased my children, deluged me with gifts.
We lived out community. You canned pears with me–pear peelings dropped
into our bowls almost as fast as your beautiful words.
We sipped coffee together, swapped ideas, shared food, and so much more.
So much, much more.
We prayed for each other, we exchanged notes, we talked about God.
God was woven into everything; in all that we did together, God was always there.
We intimately knew that even if I didn’t always understand you,
and you didn’t always understand me,
together we were part of Christ’s body.
I left,
but I love you, more than I ever did before.
You ask me, “Why then?…”
…
I could not stay in that sacred shrine, blithely eating, playing, sleeping,
while my ears caught the sound of a wounded world waiting on my doorstep, weeping
for the news of redemption. You think I left because I have no heart; I coldly bereave.
Can’t you see…? It was because of my heart that I had to leave.
“Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.”
-James Kilbane
arabah rejoice 
This is beautiful and honest and I bless you for your sweet words.
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I just want to cry and cry over all this, I’m extra weepy tonight anyway! I love you more than I could ever say!!!
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I want to cry too. God understands the loneliness and the pain of misunderstanding. But I bless you in following the call of the Gospel to go out and be Christ to this broken wounded world. It’s not easy by any means. But remember what Uncle Mark said when people asked him why he was leaving the Amish community in Belleville to go be a missionary in Papua New Guinea? He said he didn’t expect to take any dairy cows to heaven with him. And he led an entire tribe to the Lord. Yes the road is hard but you will be rewarded more than you could ever imagine, by seeing the love of God transforming people there as it already has. I love you sis! You are brave and beautiful!
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I miss Uncle Mark! Everyone needing a little encouragement to be a missionary ought to watch Ee-taow, a movie describing Mark’s story.
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Hugs and love to you.
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I love this Rosina! You said it so well! Something I’ve never had words for! When we left the church where I grew up it was so painful. It still is painful at times. It’s so sad to leave my friends behind. I watch them still being together and doing everything together and I’m not with them in the same way. It’s very sad to me.
But some of them don’t understand. One friend said to me, “well, you left. you chose. why would you be sad?”
We wanted something more spiritually. We wanted something we couldn’t explain. We weren’t understood really- by some.
But it’s ok. It’s just that we walk with sadness and with joy. Sadness of the loss and joy of being where God wants us!
God bless you on your journey! And it’s ok if people don’t understand. God does! 🙂
Love you!
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Thank you for your empathy! I’d love to have a chance to chat with you again. God bless you as you keep walking with Him!
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Rosina,
My path has similarities and differences–but regardless, my blessings. I came across a song a few months ago that struck a deeply resonant chord; I think I actually tried to post it in a comment to one of your other posts, but it didn’t go through. I suspect you may identify with it as well. (It’s actually a relatively old song, but was new to me.) Painting Pictures of Egypt, by Sara Groves
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This song touched me. Especially the lines in the chorus that say, “The places that used to fit me/ Cannot hold the things I’ve learned.” Wow. Thanks for sharing!
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I keep thinking of you and this post a lot today . There are so many unanswered questions and times we sit on Abba’s lap just to be held securely. On Sunday one of our pastors challenged us to pray the Lord’s Prayer at times when differences arise and even ask to pray it together from now until Easter. In some of my questions on relationships this week, I find myself just breathing that prayer up to heaven. Shalom.
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I love the idea of praying the Lord’s Prayer together when difficulties arise. I’ve prayed the Lord’s Prayer more in the last year than ever before. It is such a beautiful, all-encompassing prayer.
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