Several months ago, a friend whom I had not seen in years emailed me. “My friends and I are taking a road-trip to Colorado,” she wrote, “and would like to see you. Could we stop by your house for an evening and overnight?”
I was delighted at the idea–I hadn’t forgotten my bright and interesting friend from so long ago. “Please come!” I said.
As the days passed, I shifted into uncertainty. I wanted them to come, but how was I going to entertain these three snazzy Pennsylvania ladies in my hillbilly town where we have almost nothing to do? The weather was too hot for a nice walk around the lake. Our town has no coffee shops (but bars a’plenty, and that was out of the question). Will was taking our kids plus several others to an evangelistic camp that weekend, so I wouldn’t even have him around.
“I’m no good at hospitality!” I groaned to Will. “My sisters are so good at it, but not me!”
My guests were easy to please, and I need not have worried. We ate in a tiny pizza shop on Main Street, and talked the evening away. Even though I had never met two of them and hadn’t seen one for probably 14 years, we connected instantly. When God is a common denominator, and not just God in a general sense, but God as a real and living Presence that infuses your whole life, connection is easy.
I came away from that experience with a glow in my heart. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate pizza with a couple girlfriends! And to engage in a shared experience of God made the evening so much richer.
They left, and my old-time friend handed me a book. If God wanted to teach me something about hospitality, He was making it loud and clear. The book was The Gospel Comes With a House Key, Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in Our Post-Christian World by Rosaria Butterfield.
In Butterfield’s book, she describes a lifestyle of an open home and open table. Neighbors and guests sat around her table almost daily, and she fed them beans and bread and a taste of Jesus.
Their family engaged with neighbors and walked dogs with social outcasts. They fostered and adopted children who needed a home. Always, people were welcome, regardless of their questions or beliefs.
The last chapter of The Gospel Comes with a House Key describes Jesus on the Emmaus Road with his disciples following the crucifixion, and how that patterns a path for us to follow in engaging with people around us.
Jesus does not hurry them. He does not jolly them. He doesn’t fear their pain, or even their wrong-minded notions of who the Christ should be or is. He knows that the process is important. He knows that grief and lamentation are vital to the soul. The Christian life isn’t a math test. A whole lot more than the answer matters a whole lot more. So he accompanies them in their suffering. And we need to do the same.
The Gospel Comes with a House Key, page 200.
Hospitality is central to sharing the love of Jesus, but it is not natural to me. This book brought me both inspiration and longing.
I love eating apple pie and discussing a bizzare Scripture passage from Ezekiel with a couple friends from town, or standing in our kitchen and holding hands and praying spontaneously with someone who needs it, or feeding a couple hungry neighbor kids. Yet I always feel clumsy and a little exposed and not quite up to par with what hospitality should look like.
Recently after a particularly chaotic evening of hosting, with children running everywhere and shouting gleefully while the adults chattered and laughed, I felt exhausted and deflated. Our guests had a wonderful time, by all appearances. But I was so busy filling plates and wiping water spills and finding bandaids for little ouchies that I missed nearly all of the conversation.
“What do people want when they come to our house?” I asked Will. “Do they want my food, or do they want me? I can’t give them both.”
I can’t multitask very well when it comes to working and conversing with a group, because I need to lipread (especially in a noisy environment). When I’m slicing cheese or chopping tomatoes on the kitchen counter, my back is turned to the group and I disappear into isolation. Hence the question, do my guests want food or do they want me?
Perhaps I need to think beyond my assumed definition of hospitality.
My perimeters have already been stretched by moving outside my culture. A sit-down Sunday lunch with friends is a thing of the past, because its too strange and threatening to many of my friends here. I’ve had to look for other ways to extend food and welcome until people feel safe at my house.
But now I’m pondering what hospitality can and should look like, and if our individual gifts ought to shape our expression of it. Butterfield is honest about the challenges of hosting as an introvert; she found ways to restore her soul even with her daily hosting.
Maybe more than offering food and a roof, hospitality is about saying “you are safe and welcome here” and showing that in concrete ways. Maybe hospitality is not confined to a particular space, but is an attitude of welcome and compassion that follows us if we are willing. Maybe any of us can be an island of safety for a hurting and lonely soul. This might mean an elaborate meal in our home, or it might mean a listening ear at the grocery store.
Jesus is all about gathering people into a circle of care, and sharing His best with them. That’s the kind of person I want to be, inviting others into the goodness of the Gospel.
For my third blog birthday, I’m giving away a copy of The Gospel Comes with a House Key. To enter the giveaway, comment about either a). how hospitality has blessed you or b). how to engage in hospitality in a way that is life-giving to both you and your guests. I’d love to hear your ideas!
Giveaway closes in one week.
arabah rejoice 
Oh my, I’m not sure what to say, but I’d like to be entered into the giveaway so I’ll give it a shot. 🙂 How hospitality has blessed me- it helps to strengthen old and make new friendships. There is nothing like leaving a strangers house and knowing that you have made another wonderful friend! Thanks for doing this! 🙂
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My mama taught me that hospitality is a heart attitude in which you share whatever you have with whomever comes, whenever they come and whatever the state of your house. Her attitude of hospitality is so clearly seen, that we came home one time to find a couple friends sitting at our table, eating bread and honey from our cupboard. We were highly amused and delighted that they felt that at home in our house.
In my own home, hospitality works best when I focus on helping my husband (a much better cook than I) make simple food, lighting two tapers on the table and dimming the lights to make the meal feel special, and tidying up the house quickly before the guests come (because it’s more pleasant and relaxing to me to converse where it’s not so messy). We use our wedding Corelle and goblets and cloth napkins because it’s a simple way to make the meal seem like An Occasion, even if we’re eating pigs-in-a-blanket and Bush’s baked beans. (If my goblets break, that’s one less possession to care for.) Sometimes I pick one menu and use that for all company meals for a few months. That eliminates worry and decisions about food. If I were super organized, I would keep specific snacks or partly prepared foods on hand which would make it easier to host on the spur of the moment as well as making less work in the moment.
Then we just talk with our guests, while trying to keep children positively occupied.
My husband and I take turns getting up to get food or drinks, as well as looking after the children after the meal. That way we both get in on the conversation.
I don’t know if our guests feel blessed at our house or not, but people do come often and they do come back.
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I think we should spend about as much time planning and preparing for “what will the children do while the adults fellowship”, as we spend on prep for the food for the meal. When you have something special for the kids, they feel loved, have fun, and the adults can then have a more relaxed time. So, the activities depend on the children, and can be as simple or as complex as you want. And you can delegate- “will you read this fun book to the kids while we clear off the table?” It doesn’t take long to supervise making a big batch of play dough or glob (slime), and they may spend the rest of the evening playing with it. Set up a scavenger hunt on ahead, or have the older children plan and set it up for the younger ones. From my experience, the “hiding” is as much fun as the “seeking”. Have the adults sitting near where the children are playing, with frequent interactions. It is so neat to see an adult sitting at the sandbox playing with children.
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I will never forget a simple meal of chili over rice, grapes for dessert, shared with delightful conversation at a friend’s house. It was a different Sunday lunch from what I was used to in my culture, but they liked having us there. I have also experienced chocolates on guest room pillows, gorgeous linens, sparkling water, and felt so kindly welcomed in another home. So I don’t know how to balance “You’re special to us, so I made an effort,” with “I am half dead with the effort of hosting you.”
It must lie somewhere in the heart.
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I would like to be more hospitable & maybe the key is in figuring out how to do it in ways that feel life-giving to me, which may not necessarily look like the norm. I am always blessed by being invited into someone else’s home. They are sharing something of themselves and I get to know them better as I see where they live. If food is served it is a nice bonus. 🙂 In your case, Rosina, the food should be something that doesn’t require much (if any) attention after the guests arrive. I can surely see how frustrating it would be to miss so much of the conversation. I would love to win the book.
Ann
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One of the times that warms my heart is when we went to Wisconsin for a brother’s funeral. We got there too late to view and missed the funeral. The rest of the family tried to make us welcome but they were hurting. I think we went to church but I felt so “empty” As usual, on the way home my husband stopped at the cheese plant and was chatting with the owner. Another man(I could tell he was a Mennonite but I didn’t know him) came over and introduced himself and invited us to their home for supper. I told him that my husband was late already to start for home. But he told me vegetable soup and cheese sandwiches and I think fruit were on the menu. We went and they invited another couple. There were probably 25+ children and when we left I felt so blessed. The fellowship was what I needed. There were also memories of children problems but All in all I was so glad we went. And my husband was also. He drove home and got a few winks of sleep before reporting to his job. ( People coming to PA usually have family so we don’t get the opportunity to host except for our children who don’t live close by.)
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My husband and I have been married for just 8 months and I haven’t had much experience yet with hosting company. So for now I like to go by the basics: be simple and be real. In the future as I become more comfortable with hosting, simplicity shouldn’t be as imperative, but I want to always be real!
Does anyone have any tips for hosting in a small house, where the adults and children all need to visit/play in the living room?
One way hospitality has blessed me? As I try to be a blessing to others, they are an even greater blessing to me! Recently we hosted a family I had never met before. (= Very much out of my comfort zone.) The wife was such a blessing to me in the short conversation we had!
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I care deeply about this subject and LOVE Rosaria’s first book, so I’d love a copy. The Emmaus story always makes me cry. The sacramental walk and talk and shared meal is what I want so much with Jesus. As a single sharing a house and working more than full time, I need to be creative about hospitality but I enjoy the challenge. If people leave feel refreshed and special, I’m happy. They didn’t get a huge meal but I hope they got laughter and music and hugs and that’s what most people are most hungry for, I think. I like doing simple things like making food together or hosting an art party where we all work on our project and drink tea and relax. If it’s complicated, it won’t happen at my house!
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entertaining guests is not about having your house clean, and your dishes dried and in the cupboard. It is about being relaxed with whoever comes to your door. Over the past seventeen years, we have kept foster children. We welcomed social workers, and families who hoped to adopt those who needed a new home..My parents lived in our home for seven years, with mother an invalid. Visitors and caregivers were always around. I accepted that this is my home. This is how I live. You can see that interior decorating is not my ‘cup of tea’. I do not stuff my sewing projects in the closet when the driveway alert rings. This is my home. You are welcome. I will do nothing to impress you. I will just be me. Now we are raising two more children. Their friends are often here. I delight that they are relaxed enough to get a drink if they are thirsty. I share my home.
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My husband constantly tells me to keep things simple when we invite guests. Recently we were invited to a young married couples house on a Friday eve for dessert and coffee. I liked that she didn’t bother with dinner. We had a delightful evening in the back yard with her included since she didn’t have to prepare that much. I’ve really been asking the Lord for help in this area., and have this book on my list to get! Blessings to you. Really enjoy your writings!
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“Where I am, there you are welcome“ and “my house is your house” are simple hospitality mottos that I love. I’m still learning how to rest in knowing that an all wise and all sufficient God will take my heartfelt offerings to others, be they food, time, money, a listening ear, and use them – even multiply them! – for the growth of his kingdom and the blessing of others.
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I have found that the food doesn’t matter so much to me, but it is the conversation I want as a guest. I have had the most simple of meals but come away so blessed because of the conversation and heart connection. Thanks for writing on this topic.
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“Maybe hospitality is not confined to a particular space, but is an attitude of welcome and compassion that follows us if we are willing. Maybe any of us can be an island of safety for a hurting and lonely soul. This might mean an elaborate meal in our home, or it might mean a listening ear at the grocery store.”
So true! This post is so well written and it took me back to the time when I was a guest in your home and felt so welcomed and cared for.
I love visiting my two aunts’ who live together because since they are warm and interesting and funny I find their home to be a place where that warmth is inviting and restful. They are always interested in what their guests will enjoy so you leave feeling cared for. This is one area I want to grow in…to think more of what will bless my guests than what I want to get out of their visit.
I’ve both read and listened to this author’s first book and it’s on my top 10 books list so I would be delighted to read this book also!
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Hosting people in our home is something both my husband and I enjoy. His style tends toward making things extra special and nice, where I lean toward simple and casual. Those expectations have caused some friction as we’ve learned to work together. =) It is easy to hang out with friends, but harder to welcome the stranger, the unlovely, or those not like us, and that’s an area in which I’d like to grow. I haven’t read this book, but it sounds like a good one!
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I have always enjoyed good fellowship along with good food! I I’m blessed to have married into a family where hosting is a common occurrence. I am forever grateful to my dear mother-in-law who has taught me so much about the importance of people and relationships over idealistic hosting. Here are a few things I have found in my experiences. 1) if I don’t have time to clean my whole house, I quickly sweep the floor. A clean floor goes a long way in making the whole house feel more comfortable.2( a lot of people would probably tell me I have far too many tablecloths, but I really enjoy using tablecloths to match the seasons. It’s a simple thing but a nice tablecloth can help make things feel homey, comfortable and ready for company. 3) after your company arrives and the initial hellos our past, offer them a cup of cold water or coffee. It’s just another small thing but can help your company feel at home.
I’ve enjoyed reading all of your thoughts on hosting. Thanks for sharing.
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Never heard of that book before but it sounds like something I should read!! The place in life we find ourselves at currently has brought a lot of hosting and opportunities to practice hospitality regardless of the fact that we have only young children so it is something I think about a lot… What can I improve on to make it more enjoyable and relaxing for my guests as well as more relaxing and enjoyable for myself instead of it being a wearisome ‘task’ that leaves me exhausted and worn out…? I have so many questions and so few answers but a few things I have found that make it more doable and enjoyable is to keep it simple and plan something that doesn’t require last minute preparation. Also if I can be ok with my home not being in completely spotless condition, I am not as stressed in preparing!! That’s hard for me as a perfectionist but an important lesson I’ve been trying to learn! Thank-you for sharing on this subject!! God bless you as you find ways to extend hospitality to those He brings into your doors and life!
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I’ve loved reading this post and the comments so far! Esp the quote up there somewhere – “where I am, there you are welcome.” One example of hospitality that I admire is an introvert who has had hosts of people in her home over the years. She loves flowers and always has an arrangement on her table, gathered from her backyard. She loves to cook and always serves delicious food. But neither the flowers or the food are done in a snobby way, simply as an offering of her talents. She is not a super conversationalist, being an introvert, but has often provided a space for great conversations to happen. In this area, she is my model.
I’ve heard Rosaria on a podcast and was inspired and intrigued.
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I don’t enjoy hosting guests in my home or staying in other people’s homes overnight. Being invited out for meals, etc is nice, but stressful right now with the age of children that I have. I think I need this book to point me toward a positive attitude change in the matter!
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I’ve been blessed to grow up in a home where hospitality was a way of life. I think one of the main things to remember is that “hospitality” really means “the love of strangers”. When we have love in our hearts, that’s really what counts. The food and conversation are simply ways that we can show this love. I’m very introverted so I prefer to host a fairly large crowd because they end up entertaining each other and I don’t feel like I have keep the conversation going.
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Talking about “hospitality” kind of freezes me up, but if we’re talking about hanging out with people, either at their house or ours, that is something that happens to us a lot and makes our lives much richer! A sojourn outside of our culture has helped to break us out of the box, as well as realize how much we have to gain from relationships. When having someone over, first we generally look at what our purpose for the time is. Is it to invest in building a relationship with them as a family? If so, absolutely nothing amazing needs to happen. Just being with them builds another link in the chain. Do I want Real Conversation with a girl friend? Then I set ourselves up for that. Here are some ways we do this.
1. Invite my girl friend over in the morning hours for coffee. No prep, the kids are generally happy in the mornings and play while we drink coffee and chat fast. If it’s someone special I’ll ask The Man to bring home donuts the evening before.
2. Go big. Invite 3 or more families for supper. Have each of them bring a side, salad, or dessert. Have The Man grill pork chops as the guests arrive. Eat outside for a low key, informal feel. The kids can run play and it isn’t so overwhelmingly noisy as in the house. Zero prep and a wonderful evening! Get up and walk around and smell the herbs and roses. It gives some people the heeby-jeebies to just sit and talk all evening.
3. Go small. A single guy makes no difference in your menu any given day. If it’s leftover night when The Man invites him along home, so be it. He will probably make appreciative remarks like, “These are some top notch leftovers,” and many more will get eaten. Def. a blessing 😊 If you are making lasagna, make plenty and send some along for his lunch the next day.
4. Invite the Mother. “Some people from church are coming over Friday evening for supper. Want to come?” “Sure. Shall I come an hour early and read stories to the children?” “SURE!!” Def. a blessing. And she loves it because hosting can be a little awkward with dad gone.
5. Let them help. Last summer when we had a new baby I let our guests totally make the meal after they arrived while I watched from the rocking chair. “Would you like to slice and fry this summer squash?” “Would you 2 like to make a salad? Nothing’s been washed.” “Would you like to pick some raspberries in the garden to eat with our ice cream?” “There is a box of paper supplies at the bottom of the basement steps, do you 2 want to get what we need and set up on the picnic table on the deck?” They always say sure! And then The Man does the grilling, and in half an hour we could be sitting down to a tasty supper at my house that I hadn’t lifted a finger for. Def. a blessing! And though we had only met that group of friends once before, there was no ice involved, and by the end of the evening they were well on the way to becoming family!
6. Invest in an ice cream freezer. Having someone over for dessert can be less intimidating for both parties as well as look more doable in an already maxed out week, than sitting down for a full course meal. “Want to come over for homemade ice cream and brownies Sat. evening?” Chances are they would love to and will offer to bring the brownies, at which (you guessed it), I would say Sure!! This summer we had weekly batches of guests while I worked on perfecting my ice cream recipe. Now if someone would call me and say, “Could you bring home made ice cream to the church picnic?” I could say a nonchalant, “Sure.” (Imagine that. Me. I feel like such a big girl.)
7. If the guests are out of state family here for an extended weekend, plan a big work project like painting the house while they are here. Wow! What a boost! Make as much food as possible ahead of time. Have yogurt and granola for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and a frozen casserole or something grilled for supper. It’s amazing what kind of profound conversations can happen while busily employed together.
8. Don’t wait for an ideal time. It ain’t gonna happen. It’s ok to dream of a house big enough for a guest suite though, a table who is not on its last leg, and children who are not standing on their heads as you eat, or doing somersaults through the living room.
9. Host Very Interesting People for an added bonus, which most of our guests seem to be. Our lives have been enriched, broadened, blessed, and so much interest added by the people who have been here. From the Yoga Instructor who made amazing statements like, “I agree with the Psalmist when he said, Be still and know that I am God,” to the Mormon couple who fought on the front lines in Berlin during WWII (talk about spell binding stories!) to sober, very conservative Anabaptists who are surprisingly delightful with many hidden chocolate chips. Hopefully they are blessed as well.
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I loved reading everyone’s comments. My in-laws have blessed me tremendously by showing me what true hospitality looks like, over and over. Their love shines through every action as they share simple meals and give the gift of their time. I think I’m learning that hospitality starts with a heart of love and humility. Willingness to share whatever you have, no apologies for a messy house or work that isn’t done. ❤
I want to read that book!
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I too feel like I cannot provide both food and conversation while managing my children. I do have guests at my house frequently, but I often don’t enjoy it because it’s just an exhausting time of food prep and child care for me, with clean-up to be done after everybody leaves and the kids are in bed. I also don’t enjoy it because it feels like an invasion of my private space. As an introvert, I find it very hard to give up my privacy.
I do, however, enjoy my part-time job at a place where I welcome people who have traveled to my city to visit the hospital. Since the people I see there are both in a strange city and in a medical crisis, I find it very meaningful to show them hospitality. (Perhaps it’s easier there too, because I can retreat to my office periodically.) Another thing I am trying to do is to welcome to my city the people who have recently arrived from other countries, by being friendly and helpful when I meet them in public places. These are ways I can show hospitality without having people in my own home.
While all those are good, I am obviously in need of learning how to share my home. Maybe that book would help, who knows?
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Since I have nothing to say on this subject, except that you are a SHINING example, could I still enter their giveaway? 🙂
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YOUR giveaway 🙂
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I love the spur of the moment invitations. I don’t mind if there are still dishes on the counter, toys strewn, and a simple menu. I am just glad for interactions. I’ve been the giver and the recipient of lavish or simple meals, but filled with love. This week I invited a friend over for rich warm chocolate pudding with a dollop of whipped cream for a brief visit. She did get to eat the real deal chocolate peanut butter pie two nights later. 😃
I am now on the hospitality team at church and have fun helping orchestrate some church time refreshments on occasion. We love it.
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I’ve been blessed by the hospitality of many people and hope I can do the same for others. Hosting does not come naturally to me, but we’ve had a lot more guests since we’ve had a few babies than the years before we had children! I think I am more okay with everything not being perfect because people will realize I’m a busy mom and not expect too much .🙂 I like to serve food that can mostly be prepared ahead of time. Hot dogs, chips, and baby carrots are a perfectly acceptable menu too. To me it’s more about making time to spend together than impressing the guests with fine cooking, but I do also notice and appreciate those who like to put special effort into food and decor to honor their guests.
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My husband likes to plan in advance for company. I like to wait and see “how my day goes” and be spontaneous. The less time I have to stew before a visit the better. I am presently hosting a delightful friend and a few of her children. Earlier this week I was telling another friend how I worry about visits, and wonder how people are measuring my unruly brood and September mess. “You need to get another measuring stick.” (God’s) was her advice. I’ve been working on it. I would love to know how to get past being a self-conscious hostess. More practice maybe?😉
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Your post and the comments have been very interesting to read! I enjoy having people over for the fellowship it offers, but too often I let the preparations stress me out more than they should. That’s why Lovina’s comment ‘The less time I have to stew before a visit, the better,’ resonated so strongly. But a total surprise visit would not be my preference, because I want to have the time to at least clean the bathroom. 🙂 Two friends, in particular, have been the epitomes of hospitality over the years, and the memories of times spent in their homes and around their tables are precious.
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Am I too late? One way I have been blessed by hospitality is the way that Asians do hospitality, especially in the more rural areas. In fact, it seems like the poorer the hosts are, the more hospitable they are. At one village I attended a few years ago, they were without electricity and running water (except for a few solar panels), but we were invited from house to house and given as much rice as we could down. It reminded me how “ungenerous” we can be at times even when we own so much more.
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I would love to read this book about hospitality . . . I have found that one just needs to be willing . . . To let your husband invite others, to open ones heart and initiate the invitation, to allow children’s friends to congregate there . . . It takes an open hand and a willing heart . . . Invite first and then figure out what to eat lol or it might not happen because I get worried about what we are going to eat 😀 . . . Just being prepared for everyday meals helps me not be so frenzied on those spur of the moment invites . . . We decided long ago that if we waited till we had a big meal planned and a clean house we would never have company . . . So we have company anyway . . . I feel more at home if everything is not in place!!! 😋
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I already own this e-book so please exclude me from the drawing but I just wanted to comment and read others comments. I have been blessed when it comes to hospitality by basically being the hands and feet of Jesus. When we lived in CA I missed many opportunities to have guests over because our house was a complete mess. Now we are in AZ we have had many a guest including overnighters. I have learned that hospitality is not about me and what I get out of it but making our guests feel welcome in our home.
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I promise I hadn’t read this when I posted about hospitality on Life in the Shoe.
It seems a Spirit breeze is blowing on our hearts, waking us up to the possibilities of hospitality.
Funny that we both wrote about not being able to cook and converse at the same time. Your reason is that you need to lip-read. I think mine is ADHD. Yours sounds much more legit!
Good words, and I’d love to be in on the drawing if the deadline hasn’t passed.
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You are just in time! And I think your reason for not being able to simultaneously cook and talk is just as legit. 🙂 I loved reading your post about hospitality, too. It’s clear that your home is a warm and welcoming place.
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Thanks!
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This touches such a nerve for me! Bless you as continue to learn to engage with people and practice hospitality.
Zonya
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I know I’m too late, but I just finished reading the book. Her book made me think of my mother and her unpretentious, but constant hospitality. There was always enough food for one more. I personally, was very convicted. I came away with a new vision for ministry.
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The book was very convicting and inspiring for me, too! I’m glad you read it!
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