Peter Rabbit

“The Peter Rabbit movie you returned was two months overdue,” the librarian announces.

“When we finally got the movie, it no longer worked,” she says, “so you will need to pay for a new one. In the future, please do not keep movies so long. We had a list of people waiting for Peter Rabbit and your failure to return it meant that they all had to be put on hold.”

Feeling ashamed, I pull out my checkbook.

“It will be $17.99,” she finishes, not unkindly.

I know I should apologize and offer some explanation, but I am silent.

How can I explain that I am dancing on the edge of a cliff, one little push away from losing my tenuous grasp on reality?

My child, my firstborn, the son of my heart is sick, and nobody knows how to heal him. I don’t know if God is paying attention. Some people gape in helpless sympathy, others slant a judging eye, and a few sit by kindly. I keep my head up and persist while my insides are screaming. I hold my son together with nothing but love, and even that is barely enough.

He is sick, and the littlest one in the family is sad, not because he is sick but because she is afraid of losing me. She thinks I–her second mama–might disappear. During the day she checks on me to make sure I am still here folding clothes or stirring the soup. Frightened that bedtime will steal me away, she fights the sleep monster with all her heart. “Hold me, mama,” she says, over and over. “Hold me. Hold me.”

My three children sandwiched between these two beg me to read stories and play games with them, but I don’t have time. I serve the laundry pile and dirty bathroom and hungry tummies and sick children, but I don’t have time for stories, except when guilt overwhelms me and I stop the endless cycle of work to read. I feel their bodies tight against mine, and wonder if I will ever be the mama they need.

If children were not enough worry, I have my job, relationships, questions, ideas, and so much more pressing on my body, soul, and spirit. I have so much to do, so much to think about, so much to feel, so many people to help. I lie awake at night, too exhausted to sleep. I lie awake and pray with groanings too deep for words.

Are there really people whose worst trial is that Peter Rabbit was unavailable when they wanted to borrow it?

I am sorry for keeping the movie so long, and think I ought to explain to the librarian, but I am unable to speak. $17.99. I write out a check for twenty dollars, and hope the few extra dollars will appease.


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20 thoughts on “Peter Rabbit

  1. Lafaye Hurst

    Oh my dear sister in the faith! My heart hurts for you, although you don’t know me. I’ve Been reading your blog for awhile and I just felt compelled to comment. God cares about your fears and hurts and wants to carry them for you. 4 years ago we were waiting for results from a biopsy for a mass in our 14 yr old daughter’s abdomen. I went to the post office with a package and the postman proceeded to chew me out up and down and inside and out for stuffing the package too full and using tape to close the package. I lost all control and was blubbering in the post office, much to my embarrassment and shame. I learned a valuable lesson that day that I will never forget. “ Be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a hard battle” GOd will give you the strength you need for this journey called motherhood!

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  2. M’Lou

    Call me! I’m here for you! Sorry we didn’t get to share a hug after church today! You are doing amazing wearing your different hats, but you need not do it all……….by yourself! Love you lots!❤️😍😊. I have an idea!😱. Now, that’s amazing!

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  3. Shannon

    Praying for you dear… when fear strikes your heart, remember, he picked you to be their mother. Jesus believes in you. I have very needy children also and often pray for healing that doesn’t seem to come. Being ok with your circumstances is hard. You are not alone. On another note, your writings are very inspiring to me!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rachel Wagler

    Oh Rosina, my heart goes out to you, Praying for God’s favor to dwell in your household in the form of health, healing and wholeness in both the physical and the emotional realms. God is The source. We just got back from a healing conference in CO that was just amazing, overwhelming and powerful. Here is a link to the playlist on youtube if you get a chance to watch/listen, It was so enriching for me and our group. The speakers were so powerful and anointed bringing the Word of God. Just realizing how powerful the Word is to bring wholeness and love from the Good Father!
    here is the link

    I hope this link works, let me know if it doesn’t.

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  5. Anonymous

    Thank you for writing this. This is helping me put things in perspective. It is hard for me to comprehend the differences between my life and the lives of some others around me.
    This helps me understand why I have been so wounded and misunderstood by them. If I remember that their hardest trial this week might be something like having to wait for the Peter Rabbit movie, then maybe I can bite my tongue instead of lashing out at them when they scold me yet again for not doing all that they think I should be doing.
    I cried myself to sleep last night, feeling so condemned but also misunderstood. It is not humanly possible to do all that they want me to do while nursing a baby and raising 2 other kids and keeping a job that my family depends on and helping my aging parents, and more.
    Thank you for this moment when I can feel understood and I pray that you will get a break soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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